Dating: Foundation and Purpose

What I Wish Someone Had Told Me About Dating

At a glance:

• The ultimate goal is marriage: Unlike worldly dating, Christian dating should have a clear, intentional purpose aimed at discovering if someone is a lifelong partner.

• Serving God together: Compatibility isn't just about chemistry, humor, or physical attraction; it centers on whether two people complement each other as they live for God together.

• The threefold cord: True success comes from making God the first priority in your personal life and keeping Him at the center of the relationship (Ecclesiastes 4:9–12; Matthew 6:33).

  
  

Communication and Expectations

• Early clarity eliminates pressure: Getting coffee or making friends doesn't mean an instant proposal. Honest communication about intentions prevents misunderstandings and hurts.

• Exclusivity requires agreement: Being exclusive must be a mutual, spoken commitment rather than an assumption.

• Practical alignment: Before marriage, couples need to openly discuss major life areas including finances, family planning, geography, and career paths (Luke 14:28).

Qualities to Prioritize in a Partner

• A renewed mind: Look for someone dedicated to aligning their thoughts and actions with God's Word (Romans 12:2).

• A growth mindset: Perfection doesn't exist, but a willingness to grow, accept constructive feedback, and develop spiritual maturity matters.

• Christlike character: Emulate how Jesus treated others—with tenderness, forgiveness, accountability, and compassion.

• Complementary strengths: Different personalities can work well together as long as both people share the same biblical standard and unconditional love.

Boundaries and Accountability

• Boundaries foster growth and safety: Just like proper form in weightlifting prevents injury, godly boundaries protect both individuals and provide the right environment for a relationship to thrive.

• Establish standards early: Define boundaries around physical intimacy, time, and finances at the start of the relationship by looking at the "why" behind God's Word (1 Thessalonians 4:3–4; Hebrews 4:12).

• Maintain life balance: A dating relationship should not eclipse other biblical priorities, family ties, friendships, or church community.

Grace and the Body of Christ

• No condemnation: Past mistakes in dating do not define a person; God's grace, forgiveness, and restoration are always available (John 3:17).

• Treating partners as family: Fellow believers are brothers and sisters in Christ, meaning our actions in dating affect the unity and health of the wider Church.

I wrote this to my own daughter first. Then I realized I wanted every young woman who reads it to feel like I wrote it to her too. So here it is, girl to girl.

You don't need another list of red flags. You need a standard. So let's start there.

Christian dating has a goal, and it's not what you think.

The world treats dating like a vibe check. Does he make you laugh, does he text back fast, does being around him feel good right now. None of that is wrong, exactly. But it's not enough to build a life on.

When you date with God at the center, you're doing something different. You're not auditioning every guy for marriage on the first date. But you are paying attention to something bigger than chemistry.

You're watching whether this is someone you could actually build a life with. Someone who runs toward God, at your speed, in your direction.

Compatibility means something different for us too. It's not just, does he make you laugh, does he like your music. It's whether the two of you serve well together. Whether being near him makes you want to grow closer to God, not further away.

The strongest couples are two people who've each already put God at the center on their own, and then bring that into the relationship. A cord made of three strands doesn't snap easily. You, him, and God, woven together (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12). Seek God first, and everything else has ground to stand on (Matthew 6:33).

Communication

Getting coffee with someone doesn't mean you're engaged. It doesn't even mean you're exclusive. What it means is what you both actually say it means. If you're not clear about that out loud, you'll end up hurt, or you'll hurt someone else without meaning to. And exclusivity isn't something one person decides; it's something you agree on together, out loud.

Before things get serious, you want real conversations about the practical stuff. Where do you want to live? Do you want kids? What do you want your finances to look like? Luke 14:28 makes the point that you count the cost before you build; don't skip that step because the feelings are strong.

What to actually look for.

Forget perfect. He's not going to be perfect, and neither are you. Look for a man who wants to live God's Word and not just show up on Sundays (Romans 12:2).

Look for a growth mindset. Can he hear it when he's wrong? Does he actually change? Watch how he treats people. Is it gentle, honest, quick to forgive, willing to hold people accountable out of love instead of control? That's the Christlike pattern worth marrying.

And don't be scared off by someone who's wired differently than you. Two very different people can be an incredible match if they share the same foundation and love without conditions attached.

Boundaries aren't a cage. They're your standard.

I know the word 'boundaries' sounds restrictive. Think about it like proper form when you're lifting weights. The form isn't there to slow you down. It's there so you don't get hurt, and so the work you're putting in actually pays off.

Talk about boundaries early. Physical, time, money, all of it. And don't just set the rule. Know the why behind it. First Thessalonians 4:3-4 and Hebrews 4:12 both point here. God's word cuts down into the places we try to hide from ourselves, and it does that because He's protecting you, not punishing you.

A relationship also shouldn't swallow the rest of your life. Keep your friendships. Keep your family close. Keep your church people. None of that goes on pause just because you're dating someone.

What if I've already made mistakes?

Maybe you're reading this and thinking about a relationship you wish you'd handled differently. That's not the end of your story. There's no condemnation over you (John 3:17). Grace covers that ground completely.

And remember this too. The person you're dating is somebody's brother in Christ before he's your boyfriend. How you treat him doesn't stay between the two of you. It ripples out. That's not meant to scare you. It's meant to remind you how much your choices matter, and how much grace is waiting when you get it wrong anyway.

Run as fast and as far as you can toward God. The man who can catch up is worth saying hello to.